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If The President Had Written His Own Address

September 25, 2008

Hi, I’m the President Guy. Which is me, Mr. President…But you can call me George…or Doubleya. That’s fine, you just call me Doubleya, and I’ll call you…well, I can’t see through the TV screen, so I’ll just call you ‘people’, cause that’s what you are, people, just like me.

We have a sayin’ here in Texas, probably somewheres else too, this past week has sucked. It sucks so bad that I have to get in front of these here cameras and further enlighten myself to the simple fact that I, well, I’ve been lettin’ Dick and his buddies play with all these here White House control thingies, and quite plainly, shit happened.

In the past few days, a lot of people freaked out ’cause they just saw a whole boatload of money vanish into thin air. I don’t know where all that money went either…maybe there’s a series of tubes with freaky space monkeys that stole it or sumthin’…I don’t know.

One day the stock market, that’s in New York, they tell me, it went woooosh! (The President makes large gesticulation mimicking what we guess is a plane crashing), then it went zoooooooom! (The President makes gesticulation in same manner, but this time in an upward direction). A buncha’ these stock guys places where they work, businesses, I guess, went belly up, and then some were like ‘nah-ah, you can’t get no more money’, and stuff like that. It was really sad.

We’re kind of screwed (The President gives a small, stuttering chortle), so I’m going with the whole ‘money ain’t real’ thing, and I’m gonna write a $700 billion dollar check. I don’t know how much money that is, but I’m makin’ sure someone is there to check how many zeros I put after the seven.

You know, there were guys that were sellin’ stock they didn’t own? That’s weird. I always thought short sellin’ was something to do with little people, or sumthin’ like that. I don’t know what the heck it was, but I said they can’t do it anymore ’cause it’s really strange. When I told Ben and Hank that they were laughgin’, an’ laughin’, and then after Hank almost choked to death from laughin’ so hard they told me. That’s when I said they shouldn’t do that anymore.

So, I don’t know. I really ain’t got much of a clue what happened. I called up that guy Harry Reid, I always thought that name was funny. You know, like a reed that’s hairy, a hairy plant. That would be weird. Kind of gives one of them mental impressions that makes me chuckle (The President of the United States chuckles). Anyway, I said to him that he should find out what happened, ’cause around here the consensus is God hates us, but I know that’s not true ’cause we’re the US, and God is an American.

It’s like this though. You know how all the house prices went way down, except for the White House, I think? I should check with Laura on that one, or maybe I should get this place reappraised. Well, ’cause of that all these mortgages were all bad, not bad like evil, but bad like not worth anything, which is evil, I guess. Long story short, they tell me the guys that lend the money can’t get loans, which doesn’t make sense, ’cause they’re the ones that loan the money, right? I tried to tell ’em that but they insisted that was true. Well, when the guy that lends money can’t borrow money, then the guy who borrows money from the guy who lent them the money that was borrowed, well, he can’t borrow money from the guy who lends it. That kind of made me dizzy (The President of the United States wipes his forehead with his suit sleeve). So, when all that happens, everybody’s kinda screwed.

This is why I want to lend that money to the guy who lends the money to the guy who borrows the money that was lended to the guy who lends it. This will make me the guy who lends the money to the guy who lends the money to the guy who borrows the lended money. See? It’s really sounds better when Ben and Hank say it, you know, they have those accents of people who sound like guys that know about money.

Some people are sayin’ that I’m gonna buy a boat, or something, with the money. That just ain’t true. I want a boat, don’t get me wrong. My dad has a boat, up there in Kennebunkport, one of them big fast ones with the big motor. It’s really fun. I could get a really big boat with that money, but I’m not gonna do it. This money is going to, like I said before, the guy who lends the money to the…guy who lends the money to the guy…to the people that need it, like that Goldman guy. I don’t know why that guy needs money, his name’s Goldman, like Gold man, a man made out of gold.

See, when those guys get the money, they’re gonna buy your groceries, well, not really, but they’re gonna do some stuff with it, like they were doin’ before, but not just like it, ’cause that didn’t go so well. They’re gonna do some stuff that makes people work, and buy stuff, and all that good American stuff, the kind that makes us American. You’ll see, it’s gonna work, it’s a lot of money!

You’re prolly all lookin’ at me funny right now. ‘Why’d you let Dick play with the controls?’, and ‘Where’s my money, Mr. President guy?’

I’d be askin’ the same damn thing.

A lot of these guys, you know, the ones with the calculators? They say that this has been comin’ for a looooong time. They say that they told me, but I don’t remember anything like that. I remember they said somethin’ about leverages, and deriv…deriv…de-riv-tives, but that just silly talk. What do crow bars and words comin’ from other words have to do with anything? No wonder Wall Street is all screwed up. They prolly never understand a word they’re sayin’ half the time. So, they said the A-rabs, that they bought too much stuff, which is prolly true, they have a lot of stuff that they musta bought somewhere.

All this stuff, and the stuff we bought, American stuff, well, it made this a feedin’ frenzy, like those sharks on the Discovery channel, or Animal Planet eating those fish that they eat. Everybody bought cars, and John McCain, (The President of the United States chuckles), he bought thirteen (The President once again chuckles)! So, that was good, it’s good that Americans bought cars, and houses, and boats, prolly. I’m sure they bought boats, I would buy a boat. Laura might not like that (The President grins and looks around at the camera crew). It was good, we were happy.

But then we were sad, ’cause then we got the bills and they were for a lot. The people who bought houses were really screwed ’cause it’s like bad when the bill is for more money then the boat, if they had a boat. The boat’s price wouldn’t go up, ’cause they don’t, but the house, it was worth less too, which was different than what they thought, ’cause it was a house. Houses are supposed to be worth more, not like a boat, which is less, unless it’s a really nice big boat, which, in that case, might be worth more than the house.

The lender guys, well, they were all lending money to people that couldn’t afford stuff like houses, and that wasn’t really smart. People that can’t afford houses can’t pay for them, even when they say they can, which they couldn’t, ’cause they can’t, that’s just a rule of thermodynamics (The president gesticulates with outward stretched arms).

The thing about houses is that when people buy them then more get built, which is good, usually. But in this case it was bad. There were houses everywhere. There were so many John McCain bought like seven of ’em. You know there’s a lot of houses when one guy has seven, that’s a lot of houses.

People were buyin’ houses that they were gonna get a second, third, fourth and the number after fourth, a bigger one, they were getting all these second mortgages on their houses. If it’s a second second mortgage maybe that’s a fourth mortgage, and then the third second mortgage is a sixth mortgage, I’m not sure. I’m gonna ask Ben and Hank that one, that’s prolly a real stumper.

Well, people that were countin’ on a third, or sixth, mortgage…I mean the same mortgage, but not the original one, I mean the sixth and third are the same one, I’m just callin’ ’em by different names so people know which one I’m talkin’ about if they call them different names than the other guy…people were countin’ on gettin’ the mortgage, whichever one, to pay for the first one. The first one is called just the first one by everybody, ’cause it’s the first mortgage.

See, all these mortgage guys, what they do is sell the mortgage to other guys who then sell them to someone else. People pass them around like a pipe at a party. Not that I know anything about that, but they did, do, well, someone does. It’s like a game of hot potato.

People were thinkin’ that ’cause the mortgages were from these guys that used to work for the government, I mean not the actual people, but the company used to, they thought the mortgages were guaranteed, which they aren’t, but I’m writing the check, so maybe they are.

The house thing backfired bad. All the guys who were left holding the mortgages were like the kid left holding the hot potato, they were it.

No one wants the hot potato, that’s why it’s called a hot potato, it’s hot. If you touch it for too long, it would burn, and in this case it did. They went bankrupt from too many hot potatoes.

Lots of banks ended up with hot potatoes. Now there’s a lot of people who are it, and no one else wants to be.

See, now everybody’s screwed, and the game of hot potato is spreading like a disease of hot potato, and I have to find out how many zeros are in a billion so I can write the check, which is scary if I write too many zeros, or not enough.

I don’t think people should have to write all kinds of stuff, or read too much stuff to be in business, business isn’t about readin’ and wrtin’, it’s about business. If your business is readin’ and writin’ then, I guess that doesn’t apply to you, but then you already have enough of that to do. But when people don’t read or write enough, then they might be stupid, and stupid people shouldn’t have businesses, so then they should go bankrupt, that’s my main principle.

Like a lot of times, I was just gonna let this happen. But then all these people were callin’ me, and these people with calculators were all yellin’, so I knew I wanted that to stop. They were sayin’ bad things too, like that Mel Gibson movie where they have no gas, and there are guys with chain saws tryin’ to cut you up. Apocalyptic stuff.

I’m not sayin’ that this big check is gonna make this happyland, or Wally World, or anythin’. Shit’s happening, and shit will continue to happen. That’s why we have toilets, to flush that shit to someplace else that isn’t in the toilet, it’s outside, where the shit should be.

Gettin’ money from the banks is gonna suck now. You think credit card rates are bad? You’re prolly gonna be payin’ that for everything, even boats. If I get a boat, it will prolly be more expensive, not the boat, I mean the payments on the boat, which is the boat, but just the bill, not the actual boat.

Even the guys with the calculators will prolly be payin’ more, except they prolly have friends that work at the bank, which might make it cheaper, or free. But if you aren’t one of them guys with the calculators then it’s gonna suck, and donkey balls at that.

I don’t want that to happen, I mean not the donkey balls, that was an imaginary donkey. I need them libruhls, and all of them to help me make out this check, ’cause, like I said, it’s a lot of zeros.

The Republicans really screwed this up, I know, I am one. But it wasn’t our fault, it was the mortgage guys. So I kinda need those libruhls to help us, seein’ as they have that other big house up the street, the one that’s white, but isn’t the White House. I asked McCain–the guy that I told you about with the cars and the houses, that guy–and Ba-rack O-bam-ah–I like that guy, he’s funny, Baaaaaaahhh-rock, it’s like a sheep then rock, like a rock sheep, or a sheep made out of rock–I asked them to come to the White House, seein’ as how they’re gonna have to take care of this thing. Maybe they could both be President, like those guys on TV, the odd couple, I forget what that show was called, but they lived in that apartment with all the girls and had to sneak in and out dressed like women.

No one wants to vote for this, I know, ’cause I was talkin’ about buying a boat with it earlier, but I won’t. So, they should if I don’t.

You guys are prolly kinda pissed right now.

But given that you don’t really have a choice, then you should be pissed, but in a more patriotic way. Patriotically pissed.

You guys are prolly also wonderin’ where all this money is comin’ from, me too. But those guys with the calculators sound like they know what they’re doin’, even if I don’t.

See, the toilet’s clogged, and we have to use that rubber stick thingy to unclog it. That way the shit goes outside, and people can sit on the toilet again.

When we unclog it, we don’t want you to be on the toilet, ’cause that would be messy. You prolly don’t want to see people gettin’ rich off your shit.

This is what I’m figurin’. A bunch of people should watch me write the check, and make sure it gets to the place where it’s goin’. Like security guards. And these security guards will make the check get there, wherever there is, quicker. Fast security guards.

I was talkin’ to Hank and Ben, and that guy Chris Cox. Seriously, That’s his name, Cox. We came up with…well, I listened as best I could to it…a plan, and we said somethin’ about that already.

It’s a big check. It’ll prolly need to be one of them big cardboard ones. We’re gonna buy all the hot potatoes, and the shit that is clogging the toilet.

This way, all the people that want to buy boats will be able to, even me. The boat’s gonna be more expensive, the payments I mean, but we’ll be able to buy them.

All the crap we’re buyin’ prolly ain’t gonna be worth a lot. We might get some of the money back, but prolly not enough for a boat, maybe a car.

Really, there’s no one else that wants to buy all this bad crap, so we have to. Like when there’s a sale on something you don’t need but the price is so low you buy it anyway, even if it’s just gonna sit around in your closet, or rot in your refrigerator.

So, even if we don’t get a lot back, we still got something we don’t need, but was really cheap.

What’s the future gonna be like? I don’t know, but I’m thinkin’ robots are prolly gonna eventually kill us and use out bodies as jump ramps for robot daredevil stunts.

Even if some really bad shit happens, don’t worry, we have other big checks that we can write.

The fid-ick…fi-deck…(The President is counseled in his ear by Ben Bernanke) F, D, I, C…that thing has been around since that libruhl guy in the wheelchair was. That’s good that he made that Fidick thing. Even if he was in a wheelchair, that thing was good. And the Civil War thing he won, that was good too.

Once all this shit is over with, I’m buyin’ a boat. Some other guy is gonna havta deal with all the calculator guys, I think they had the decimal points in the wrong place, or somethin’.

All those companies that were too big to fail, well, they failed, which is a big failure.

Hank wants to make changes to that place he used to work in New York. You can trust him, he was the head of one of those big firms that almost failed, but didn’t. That’s sayin’ something. They had to do some stuff, and he prolly screwed it up in the first place, but he’ll do a heck of a job.

People are sayin’ all sorts of stuff that sounds smart, and Congress should hear that stuff too, ’cause a lot of it is smart, and smart stuff can be funny to listen to…but not for too long, ’cause then your head hurts, I’ll tell ’em that, make sure they don’t listen too long.

All this capitalism stuff really works. Think about it. These guys ran their businesses into the ground, but I’m writing them a check. See? It works, even when you suck you make money.

People are gonna make a lot of money off of this. Cardboard boxes to sleep in, whiskey, and all sorts of other things are gonna be hot commodities now.

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

You guys are really pissed, aren’t ya?

This is gonna suck. If you have one of those Mad Max cars, you might wanna get it ready. Oh, and stock up on ammo.

Is the mic still on?

Those people are screwed!

It’s still on?

Oh, shit.

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